Everything. Everywhere. Mostly All At Once.

Welcome one and all, once again! And Yall! I Just realized I started this website 11 freakin years ago (launched it April 2016)! Crazy!

I’m deciding to write after an immensely long sabbatical/ retirement from… well, pretty much everything. Since writing my last post, I’ve sort of checked out mentally. I got quiet fired from my night club hosting job (they just simply stopped scheduling me for some reason), and that was the last time I got an official paycheck from anywhere. That was February of 2024. Yeap, you’ve read that correctly! I began to date someone, a friend of mine, and while it was very lovely, and filled with great times that I’m super grateful for, I think it was ultimately too soon for me to be dating in a committed capacity so soon after such a tumultuous and heartbreaking relationship ending, so we decided to end that. I don’t have a single bad thing to say about them though, they were honestly an amazing and genuine person. In addition to those two things, I have been super fortunate to have access to a lot more travel! And when I say a lot, I mean, A LOT! I mean hey, I have all the time in the world right now, so why not be on my eat, pray, love flow? Since my last post, I’ve been to Aruba, Paris for the Olympics, Tokyo (3 times), Argentina, Brazil, Portugal, Amalfi Coast, South Korea, Vietnam, and Costa Rica! I also got to see Beyonce in Atlanta, and Bad Bunny in Puerto Rico with my besties, and went to Disneyland for the first time ever! For a person with no job, I’ll say, I’m not doing too shabby! I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to get by on my savings so far (during the pandemic, I was stacking like a freakin… hmm, one of those animals who STACK during the summer because they know the winter is coming!). But ya know, my savings won’t last forever so I should probably start figuring out my next great move. Other random af things I’ve kinda been doing; learning pole and aerial dance, learning to become a chess grand master, learning like 20 languages, learning the periodic table, cutting my hair a million times, cooking new dishes, growing deeper in friendships, exploring the depths of my soul, watching way too much Love is Blind…

I will say, that even with all of those beautifully amazing moments that I experienced over the past 2 years and change, that doesn’t mean everything was all peaches and cream mentally. I came to discover, that I was actually very depressed, lonely, and isolated. Things that I use to love began to lose their allure. I’d stay up until I saw the sun on most nights, overthinking every horrible thing in my life, and during the day, I’d just lay in bed, overthinking every horrible thing in my life. I desperately tried to find reasons to leave my house if even for an hour, because I knew the sun and being active would help. But the hardest part was just getting out the door. Things seemed very heavy on all fronts. So many plates that we must keep spinning in the air simultaneously in order to merely survive. The people who I did manage to see sporadically, I truly do thank from the bottom of my heart. You don’t know how necessary it was for me to be around people who I love in times of despair.

UGH! This post is getting so morose! This isn’t who I am. I’ve always been the happy, care-free, optimistic girl with rose tinted glasses. I haven’t felt like myself in such a long time, I’m beginning to forget what myself even was. Behind the facade of curated Instagram photos, funny memes, and videos of sunsets and moonrises, I cry way more often than I laugh these days… by myself, because I don’t want to bother people with my first world problems (because honestly, in the GRANDEST scheme of things, a lot of my “problems” and issues really are super first world. I kind of equate it a bit to when an extremely wealthy person loses most of their money and goes postal… like sure, you’re not Bill Gates rich anymore, but ya ain’t poor either sweet cheeks). But yeah, my feelings are definitely my feelings and I know we shouldn’t compare struggles, so I won’t!

Ahhhh, back to my childhood emo roots! (I actually did use to be pretty darn emo as a kid. I wore really baggy tomboy clothes, spoke in a low tone, and wrote very dramatic poetry. There’s a video somewhere and I must go find it at my dad’s house!) Even in light of all this doom and gloom, I do have a lovely therapist who I get to talk to about all of it! I am an obvious advocate of universal healthcare (which includes mental health, duh), and I believe therapy to be such a necessary component of everyday life. Perhaps a career in the mental health field has been my calling all along. If only the scheduling and location requirements weren’t so stringent (mama still needs to travel!). I’m also an advocate for less stringent job requirements! Let people have flexibility! And most things can be learned! I shouldn’t need a whole bachelor’s degree for a job that pays 16 dollars a dang hour.

I guess I’ll tryyyy to wrap things up on on a more positive note so you all won’t have to join me out on the ledge… In getting all of this off of my chest, I think I’m mooostly trying to be half way kinda sorta all right most of the time-ish. I’m not entirely bedridden, and I do make it out of the house (mostly out of the country). I don’t have a job or any source of income, but I’m not out on the streets, so I’m very thankful for that. I’m also thankful that I had this savings to sustain me for a bit, because lord only knows the depths of the hole I’d be in if I had to work this entire time … but also, ya know what? Perhaps having a job would’ve taken my mind off of my all consuming misery. Not much time to be depressed when you’re busy and tired, so I don’t know! I do want to search for some sort of sustainable income though. The problem is, just like being single for a long time, you get a lot pickier once you start trying to settle down again. But I’m sure it’ll be good for me to have some consistency! Some structure! Some organization! Some dang money! Also, I’ve decided to see an actual psychiatrist in the next few weeks. I’d been pretty against taking any formal medication in the past for whatever reason, I wanted to raw dog life I suppose, but that ship hath sailed far off into the horizon. And I mean hey, I’ve tried just about all the non prescriptive numbing agents in my day, so might as well try the doctor prescribed ones, am I right?

Anywho, thanks for listening to the ramblings of a middle aged crazed woman hanging on by a thread, it really does help to write it out! No promises, but I do hope to get back to myself, and share something more light hearted, and creative, and spectacular… stay tuned!

p.s. I do find it kind of hilarious that while typing this blog in real time, I realize how I unintentionally exaggerate things in my life to feel overwhelming at certain times. Putting it all on proverbial paper helps me see that things probably aren’t as bad as my anxiety makes it out to be. I do have choice and free will to turn my life completely around at any point. Sometimes I really have to weed out all of my doom spirally thoughts to actually see that. I wonder if my parents had these types of problems when they were walking to school 15 miles in the snow…

p.p.s. I’ve also noticed that there’s an almost direct correlation between my self confidence and my mental health. Whenever I’m feeling insecure, I be like dang, I got all these problems AND I’m ugly?? But when I feel cute, I be like, ok, sure I got problems, but at least I’m cute! So I really probably just need to get my skincare/ haircare/ wardrobe/ bad bitchness together, and then I’ll feel better. But also, like normalize imperfections bro! Imperfection will always be more relatable than perfection. Let me be ugly in peace!

p.p.p.s. People keep telling me about this website called Substack, so I did make a profile on there, and I may or may not try to integrate that into my social media rotation. BUT idk what’s so great about that site when THIS one has been around longer… just sayin!