Of all the concepts in life, perhaps the one I have yet to even chip away at the iceberg of is the concept of commitment. How the heck do people choose just ONE darn thing and stick to it? Like, literally anything? I'm the type of person who enjoys experiencing all that life has to offer. How can I ever do that if I have to pick one path and see it all the way through to the end? Life to me seems to short to stick with one thing at a time all the way through to the end, so what I usually end up doing is everything I can think of at the same time. How's that been working out for me you might ask? Eh, probably not the greatest, but it's what I've become accustomed to. Then again, I like to never get too comfortable in life, so I'm open to change! First though, I do need to gather all of the information that I possibly can on how the heck people get over their fears of commitment.
Whenever I've heard of "fear of commitment" in the past, it was usually in regards to a relationship of some sort (which I'll probably get into around the 3rd or 4th paragraph). For me, the first notion of me even having a commitment problem stemmed from a conversation last week with... you guessed it... my therapist! I think it's safe to say that most of these blogs from now on will be sparked in some way by the things I talk about in therapy. Anywho, we were talking about things I could do to get out of the house more, and for me to stop being such a hermit all the time. I told her that there is a dance class I've been meaning to take, but can never find the right time. Saying it out loud had me thinking... I have all the time in the world! I have no job! What the heck else do I do every day besides a bunch of lounging around? Why was it so hard for me to just pick a day to go and GO? Then I thought about things some more. I rarely ever commit to ANYthing I do. I generally attribute it to the fact that I'm just a last minute person, but perhaps it could be more than that. I started to realize that maybe I don't commit to things too far in advanced because maybe something else will come up that is more important, more fun, more time sensitive, something I maybe forgot about, or I just MIGHT not be feeling up to it that day. I also justify it all by telling myself I'd rather not commit to something than to flake out (which is actually true. I very very rarely flake on things if I can help it, which I guess is good). If I do end up saying I will be there, better believe I will make a way to be there. I just want to make sure that it's really possible, plausible, and something that I want.
Even with something as small as committing to take a dance class on a particular day and time, the noncommital ambiance spreads to almost every crevice of my life. I can barely pick a career path to focus on solely either! Exploring new endeavors constantly is something I've always been into. Even if I'm actually really good at something, I get bored with it after a while and want to move on instead of cultivating my current craft. I never even thought of this as being a fear of commitment, but perhaps it is in some way, I just always call it something else. Secretly, I'm sometimes envious of those rare people who know what they want out of life (or at least think they know). It just seems so simple for them not to have to deal with all the mental back and forth of decision making and option weighing.
Ok fine, I'll talk about relationships now, and you guessed correctly, I'm pretty darn noncommital with those as well. Actually, I didn't use to be, or at least so I thought. I mean, commitment is kind of beat into our brains at a young age. Man + woman date, same man + woman get married, and if you cheat, even a little bit, mayhem ensues. Anything other than 2 people together forever is taught to be unnatural...so I tried to go with the flow of that. Little did I know, when you are forced into a way of being, without even being open and honest about your true feelings mind you, the more you want to rebel against it... hence all the cheating going on in the world. If people had the space to be realistic about expectations and natural feelings, without fear of judgment it could save a lot of heartbreak. My first "real relationship" (if you could even call it that) did involve a lot of cheating, and to tell you the truth, I was always more upset at the dishonesty of it all. But then again, people wanna eat their cake, but not let the other person eat theirs too. I sort of get it, but it's an unfair outlook. These days, I do feel as though being in a one person, fully committed situation is kind of impractical. For me at least. It's not even like I wanna screw everything moving from here to Timbuktu because I actually don't, but there is always that little "what if" in the back of my mind. I always thought that this was just me being open and honest about my feelings... however... is this TOO a fear of commitment somehow?
From the smallest things in my life, like picking out a yarn color for the day, to the bigger things like, do I wanna have kids or not, it all probably comes from some type of fear. The fear of "what if", and the fear of missing out (otherwise known as FOMO) can play a major role in our decision making or lack thereof. It's crazy because sometimes, I know exactly what I want. Like, no doubt in my mind. I wonder what brings me to such firm conclusions? Perhaps the fact that the other choices seem to be highly undesirable. The hard part is choosing between the things you like. In my crazy little world, I often think I can just have it all somehow. That I can be every place at once, do everything I want, and have everything I want without sacrificing any of it. Fantasyland right? But what is life without a bit of fantasy? At the end of the day, decision making can be hard. Some decisions harder than others for sure. We may even have major doubt after finally committing to our choices. Perhaps this is normal for us all. One thing I will say, if we wait too long to make the choice, one may be picked for us. Or even worse, we may be left with no choices at all. I did find SOME sort of article on fear of commitment , so I'll try and read that to analyze myself (and everyone else) a bit more. Maybe one day I'll get to the bottom of it all! What do you all think about commitments? Let me know!
P.s. In regards to my schedule planning, some days it really does take me a billion years to finally decide on what I want to do, and by the time I do, it's too late to do anything, so I just have to stay home like a big tub of useless lard. Does anybody else have days like this?
P.p.s. Since starting therapy, I've been met with a few criticisms and a few commendations. Some of my friends have even started therapy themselves recently! If you do need help finding someone where you live, give me a message and I might be able to help! It truly is very helpful.
P.p.p.s. Sometimes it's even hard commiting to put out these blogs! There's always a bunch more I wanna say, and I hardly ever think anything is truly finished. But at some point I just have to push the publish button and turn off the computer. ***Which has been easier these days since my laptop has broken and the battery has completely shut down on me! It only works when it's plugged into a wall, but if I accidently unplug it, it shuts off and I have to do a special simultaneous 5 button combo to jolt it back to life. Eh.***