Today is Memorial Day which means my actual birthday has finally passed... and thank heavens! I’m starting to realize just how much anxiety I get. So much pressure and anticipation. And the planning! Oh the planning. I can be very indecisive around this time, which never works in situations where everyone is depending on me to make a choice. From now on, just surprise me! And speaking of surprises, surprisingLY enough, birthday night was actually a pretty nice turnout! I’m glad some people even showed up! In retrospect, I realize now, a lot of the anxiety had to do with the sheer fact that I didn’t even think anybody would show up ANYwhere I invited them. Which in turn leads me to an even more compelling conclusional question; do I have trust issues?
Turns out, that’s exactly what I have! I rarely trust anyone (or anything for that matter. I even hate putting my trust in technology, and usually have some form of archaic back up plan). This notion first entered my mind about a week ago while in my Thursday therapy session (sheesh I love therapy). My therapist and I were working on my goals list, so she was asking me a couple of questions such as; what kind of barriers do you see that would block you from achieving this goal, what things could you do to work on this goal, etc. She also asked what kind of support I'd have in reaching each one. Out of the 3 major goals I set, I replied with "None". I sort of just said it instinctually, but then as I really thought about it later that day, I really don't put much trust in anyone to help me in any sort of time of need. Only myself. Turn out, I've subconsciously always been like this for most of my life. Perhaps I'll let my therapist lady know these revelations in our next session, but for now, I'll just revelate here!
Looking back over my life, I've always been very privy to doing it all myself. When I had my internet show "Gettin' By", I was the director, producer, editor, writer, host, everything (hence the 'I do all my own ish' tagline)! Same with the blog and current site. I even designed this bad boy all by myself, knowing very little about web design, but learning all of the basics as I went along. I've even started making my own clothes for crying out loud. I've been doing my own hair for YEARS due to a few bad experinces with cut and color. I've never been interested in the fashion industry, but I seem to always find something wrong with clothes I find in stores, so I figured, I'll just get a sewing machine, a slew of crochet and knitting supplies, and learn how to do it all myself...just the way I like it. When I was looking for a place to live, I originally wanted to move with a roommate, but most people were just so unreliable, I did everything in my power to just get my OWN apartment (even if it meant spending 95-110% of my income every month on rent). When it comes to people, I trust them... but only about as far as I can throw them. I'm not even sure if I've always been like this, or if one person spoiled it for the bunch, but maybe, just MAYBE this DIY mentality has hurt me more than help...
The funny thing is, I talk about collaboration quite a bit throughout this site. In theory, I'd love to work together with others on things. It looks really fun when other people do it. But how do they put so much trust in others and relinquish the burden of pressure to possibly ill-equipped hands? How do you open up and put yourself out there when people have continually let you down your entire life? I've prided myself on never needing anything from anybody. Not even companionship! But guess where that leaves me? With no support system in place to help me with these darn goals, I've gone and set for myself. I'm usually the one that can help others with THEIR problems, never trusting them to help me with mine and figuring out a way to just help myself. Overall, it's pretty tiring, and probably inefficient, as two heads are generally better than one. GENERALLY. Eh, I don't really know when it all got like this, but the first step is always awareness!
All in all, it is a good feeling to know that I have a certain number of people who would come through to hang with me on my birthday, even though I told them a place and time a mere 1 hour beforehand. It was a good feeling knowing that anyone would do that for little ole me! Hopefully, in the future, I can start learning to put much more faith in those around me. Hopefully, I can start to trust more. The thing is though, trust is super hard to rebuild after you've lost it. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about! Another fun fact about trust though, we do it every day in certain aspects, so it's not an unheard of phenomenon that we are incapable of. Even though it might be hard to let go, we have to at least try. That's all anyone can ever do in this life is try. I'm really curious to hear other thoughts on this subject though. Do you all have trust issues as well? What holds you back? Have you been once bitten, twice shy? Are you TOO trusting? Look at me being the therapist now! Anywho, hopefully, I'll have this all figured out soon enough. Not doing everything myself all the darn time does sound like a lot less work.
P.s. I really do enjoy doing things myself, the problem is lack of time, lack of 8 arms, and lack of expertise in a billion fields.
P.p.s. Whenever I think of a solid support system type of friend, I think, who can I text in the middle of the night if I feel some weird itch on the top of my foot or something? Not many people.
P.p.p.s. If you are the opposite of me, and never do anything for yourself but want to start, might I recommend Youtube tutorials! I swear I learn so much from watching Youtube. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but it's like the cheapest college ever!