Hello everyone, and happy Monday. How is everything going? Yes, I know the title of today's post is specifically a word hybrid including part of my name, but I really am interested in how it's going for all of you out there... as you should be interested in how it's going for yourself as well! It's often hard to see our lives from a grand scheme perspective while currently living said life, but every once in a while I very much enjoy taking a step back to look at all of the progress, change, and growth. What has been going wrong, what has been going right? Where was I a year ago in comparison? 5 years ago? You don't even have to tell me specifically, just think about it for a bit. I was watching The Office last night (as one does), and even though I've watched the entire series many times, something that Andy said stood out to me. "I wish there was a way to know you're in the good ole day before you've actually left them."
Even though time travel isn't technically possible, one thing that I do have to help me in any of my reflective endeavors are my many many notebooks from over the years. Yes, that's right people, the infamous Bretony notebooks collection that has been silently accumulating over the span of my entire writer's life... and most of the works have yet to be published. In thinking about what to write for today's topic, I thought that it might be a good idea to share something from one of these notebooks. After reading through several of them, I realize just how far I have come in MANY areas of my life. I also have come to realize how freakin' ahead of my time I always was. Sheesh! I honestly can't wait for another 10 or 20 years so I can reread all of these old blog posts and be simply amazed by my younger self. I'm telling you all, writing is truly the time machine we've been searching for!
In trying to find something suitable to share, I do notice a recurring theme; my mind is a constantly ticking clock that rarely shuts off. I often express a desire to "shut my brain off" and not have to think about anything. Something I wrote was extremely allusive and metaphorical, some in rhyme form, some particularly blunt and a bit crass, while some are simply 'day in the life' style. All of it very interesting! Perhaps I will create a portal for my old scribes, but until then, here are a few short excerpts which I found interesting enough to share:
" You know what really grinds my gears? When people say how long they've been doing something as if to say they 'know more'. For example, a new photographer getting bashed by a seasoned photographer on the basis of 'I've been doing this for x amount of years so I know a lot more than you about photography in general'. Look, I've been living life all my life, and I still know almost nothing. Who cares how long you've been doing something? What matters is your ability to share what you DO know without being resistant to learning. Duh!"
"When the crimson tides end, my ship should begin to sail in. It often never does, and I never rise above... Any of the influential nonsense that I tell myself. My internal wealth, I do not spend. I invest, and keep investing, and then... When I go to withdraw, my patience keeps burning. The wheels in my head they keep turning and yearning. This blue satin garment brings pain and disdain. And an end I never see. The black death is in me. The death has resurrected, the stone has rolled away. It is a new day, a BRAND new day. I sit idle and stare, but does anyone care? DO you hear my screams? Can you see my dreams? When you feel me it seems, I am filled with the streams, that flow within me. My legs quiver like a tree in a tsunami. But my twigs don't snap, I snap back at that. I take that back again, and I fall in the wind."
"I don't know where Deja vu come from, but I have it all the time. Until a few months ago, I didn't even know what dejavu even meant. Now I know what to call my freakish premonitions. Some things that happen to me, I just KNOW I have experienced them before. Maybe Deja Vu is just one of the short dreams you have during the night. Or maybe just a vision you have from the previous day. Whatever it is, Deja vu is quite exact. It's like when Deja Vu happens, it's exactly what you thought you've already experienced. I wonder what Deja Vu means in French? I will find out. Sometimes Deja vu can last for a whole minute, but other times, it's just a brief flash. Whenever I experience Deja Vu, I try to say it out loud. Just to see if I actually have experienced it before. But no one around me ever responds as such, so I doubt it. I wonder if everyone experiences Deja vu. I like the idea that I have forseeing abilities. But since Deja Vu is an actual phrase, someone else MUST have experienced it before too."
Does anybody else do this as well? Go down a sort of mental memory lane of reflection from time to time? I know that life is always pretty overwhelming with adult responsibilities, and we rarely get a chance to think about anything other than the current state of our situations. This is just something I enjoy and also think that others might be able to benefit from. Even if you don't have writings from your younger self to read, a lot of us have some form of nostalgic memorabilia. It could even be from the digital world; old Twitter, old Facebook... old Myspace? Knowing where we've come from has a lot to do with knowing where we are headed, and if we're even still on the right track. Even though this post was a lot about me, it's an example of learning how to think about yourself. With all of the problems on such a global scale, I do wish we could understand that it's actually quite an important thing to think about ourselves and how we fit into the puzzle. Eh, this may all be a bunch of fru fru nonsense, but I'm sure you've all come to expect one of these blogs every couple of months from me by now! Let me know your thoughts!
P.s. The last notebook excerpt is actually all the way from 8th grade! I feel as though the older a notebook is the more insightful.
P.p.s. Reading another notebook (not posted) from around 19 years old, for the first time ever, I realize that wow, I was literally in an actual abusive relationship! It was physically abusive, but it was defintly emotionally abusive. Thinking back to that time period, I had no idea at all, and thought of it as normal. Wow.
P.p.p.s. The excerpt from the emotionally abusive relationship actually makes me think some of these writings would be very helpful if I went to more storytelling events. I'm gonna start looking some up and attending, so stay tuned for live Bretony performance updates!