What’s really in a name; not just in our actual names, but names of the titles we chose for ourselves… the titles that are given to us by others? How important is it for us to identify with who or what we actually are? I’m sure I’ve told this story before, but in coming up with a name for this very website, I went through numerous possible choices. I wanted something that was me, yet everyone (if that makes any sense). I came across the word “Bohemian” somehow (I think probably because of the alliteration to my name), and decided to research it a bit more. Reading the definition was like reading a literal description of my life. I mean, just listen to this breakdown from wikipedia ; “Bohemianism is the practice of an unconventional lifestyle, often in the company of like-minded people and with few permanent ties. It involves musical, artistic, literary or spiritual pursuits. In this context, Bohemians may or may not be wanderers, adventurers, or vagabonds.” If that isn’t me in a nutshell, I don’t know what is!
While I do love my lifestyle generally, living this way for so long helps me to see it better from different viewpoints. I now see the pros, as well as the cons… as much as I’d like to believe there are none! During last week’s therapy session, one flaw in particular became very prominent. While I do very much enjoy the whimsy of life, I realize that I let the crutch of spontaneity hinder me from the power of being proactive. To put it more plainly, I’d much rather be open to the possibility of things happening than actually making them happen for myself. For example, when I first moved to NYC, all bright eyed and bushy tailed, I had the delusional notion that if I just walked around the city all day and night, being the amazing woman that I naturally am, my alluring aura would somehow miraculously effervesce to just the right person at just the right time, and I’d be discovered and groomed for international superstardom. Almost 10 years later, I’ve preeeettty much been doing the same gosh darn thing! I spend so much time sitting around waiting for a moment like that to happen to me, when I could be using that time to make it happen for myself.
It’s very easy to make excuses for ourselves when we get in the habit of doing something detrimental yet comfortable. Even me with this whole no job thing! I always rationalize it a certain way in my head that keeps me… well, lazy! I think to myself that if I just had the free time to do what I wanted to do, I’d do it. But look at me, I have all the free time in the world, and yet I still find other excuses as to why I can’t. Alas, today is a new day. (Each day is always a new day, duh.) That means I get another chance to do things differently if need be. I now have thoroughly become aware of most of the problems I’ve faced up until this point, so that’s good. Now comes the hard part of actually fixing these problems. You ever been right smack dab in the middle of doing something that you KNEW was bad, but you just couldn’t stop yourself from doing it for some reason? There’s gotta be a word for that! I’m sure the Germans have a word, they have a word for all the random indescribable feelings . Anywho, that’s my current situation as I know it. I know I must get out of these bad habits, I know I must make my life what I want it to be, yet it’s hard to shake things up when I’ve become so use to my current state. Especially when there is no one single grand event forcing me to do so.
While I do love my life, I know in my heart of hearts that it can be so much better. The good news is, I totally have the power to make it such! Stopping my weekly blog for a while is definitely scary, for the simple fact that I will be faced with my next challenge. A bigger and better challenge that I’m not sure if I’ll fail or succeed at doing. It’s even scarier because I’m making a conscious decision to do so on my own terms. I talk a big game, but it really is sink or swim time now. Hopefully I will be able to do so while still holding true to most of my bohemian characteristics which I love so dearly. Hopefully the things I do will turn out to be as good as they are to me in my head. Hopefully I will get a clearer and tighter grasp on my overall purpose in life. Hopefully!
While looking back on the book I began writing, I do realize now that it kinda sucks, so I’ll have to do some serious rewrites and restructuring. As far as my musical, I think my very first step should be identifying the themes that I want to incorporate. That’ll make it much easier to get others involved (rather than me saying, “hey everyone, I wanna make a super cool amazing musical and I have a very vague idea what it will be about…wanna invest your precious time and energy to help me?”). I’m also going to see just how far I can get my crochet garments and accessories without compromising my joy of creating. It seems to be the thing I do that most people are interested in actually BUYING. Just typing out all of these things is making me tired honestly, but maybe I’ll hire someone to slap me around every morning so I can actually get out of bed to do it all. As I do enjoy the struggling artist life, I will also have to eventually find a way to make some real/actual money. Some of these recent months have really been stressful and accompanied by a lot of sacrifices. I can’t just sit around and wait for miracles to happen so I can pay my rent, I have to switch gears mentally so that I can make it happen on my own. Anywho, so many revelations, so little time right? But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from being a lazy bum and watching hours upon hours of series on Netflix; you always leave the people wanting more…..
Until next time everyone!
P.s. In addition to all my new projects, my therapist gave me yet another amazing idea… She casually mentioned that I might be really good at motivational speaking (I really do think our sessions are mutually beneficial). She sad that she works with a group of people struggling with substance abuse that could really get a lot out of my views on life. I’ve actually always been really interested in motivational speaking! The thing is, I don’t know who the heck would wanna listen to lil ole me. I’m just a regular girl! But who knows, this might just be something else that the world could use!
P.p.s. My therapist also thinks I’m really hard on myself (ironically, I don’t think she’s hard enough!). And ya know what, perhaps I am sometimes. Would a lazy bum be this dedicated to writing weekly blogs and publishing video content on such a consistent basis?? I think not! Go me!
P.p.p.s. Wish me luck y’all!