Hello everyone...or no one. I'm not really sure who reads this thing anyway. Could be a lot, could be a little. The point is for me to just get my thoughts out sometimes. This will be one of those times. It's funny because some people who have never met me before could simply read my writings and know a ton more about me than the people who I actually know in real life. Why is this you may ask? Writing is my main form of communication. For most people I believe it to be talking. I just always find myself being able to express thoughts better through text. When I was in high school, I was the QUEEN of passing notes, but otherwise quite laconic in social situations. These days, reading isn't exactly as fundamental as it use to be. With all of the oversaturation of information (and mostly junk/time wasters), I do understand that it is somewhat of a challenge to sit down and put yourself in the headspace to think about another person's viewpoint of the world. Overall, I really do think that getting my thoughts out in writing form is much more effective, so here we go!
I believe that one of the core values that I stress over the years in ALL of my writings is the importance of communication. Proper communication. If you ask me, it's the biggest problem this world faces. Yeap I said it! The biggest! Nobody understands anybody else. Think about it. How well do we truly express our feelings to family, friends, associates, strangers? Do we ever truly feel completely understood? Communicating is something that has to be actively worked on for our entire lives, as things do change constantly. I usually like to think that I am aware of the lack of understanding during communication, and I consistently work on trying to do better on my end. However, these past few weeks I have realized I just might plain ole SUCK at communication.
So, super long story short (perhaps a long version one day...or a long version in my upcoming book!), my youngest sister was in town visiting NYC this week. As you may know from the last blog, I was in Haiti just the week before (the day after I flew back, her flight came in). as you may also know, introverts function much better after having a bit of time to socially recharge often. I had no such time. Haiti, while amazing, was very socially draining. This was followed by immediately having my sister stay in my tiny apartment with me all week. We do not hang out very often at all. That in addition to the fact that we never really got along super great, each time someone is visiting the other, it's a bit awkward for a while, but we at least have been trying over the years. On Wednesday, in an eerily similar night to the one I had in Detroit the last time I visited (with my OTHER younger sister), we randomly got into a HUGE argument. It began so simply that it completely caught me off guard (just like the last time). I mentioned something about paying for things when we go out or something like that. She went off! It had to be one of the most irrational conversations I've ever had. Unfortunately, it was not one I could simply walk away from. Family, ya know? Plus, we were on a subway platform in Manhattan and she (supposedly) didn't know how to get around. The argument was absolutely loud enough for everyone around us to hear exactly what was going on (it's hard to tune out crying and piercing screams of curse words). After a while (it was fairly late at night, but 3 trains had passed us already), she was the one to storm off into the night. I waited a while, and the eventually went to go find her. My stupid phone is always dead, so I ended up having to find a cafe to charge it. After locating her, we got into a carpool taxi home. During the ride, I enlisted the help of two of the unsuspecting passengers riding along to try and help us figure out what the hell happened. They were actually very sweet. A couple. The guy was one of 9 brothers and sisters, so he had some knowledge of sibling rivalries. The girl was an only child, so I think she was thanking her lucky stars at that moment. What we all concluded was the fact that we do not know how to properly communicate with each other. My sister being sensitive and passionate, and me being rational and zen (or as my sisters like to call it, an ice queen robot with no feelings).
This is one instance of MANY over the past few weeks in which I've been accused of being this way in topics of discussion. I have always been misunderstood myself. It's one of the most disheartening and lonely feelings I've ever felt. Especially by the people who are in your life. Sometimes I wonder why I even try. Why do I continue to try and get my point across to people who yell and scream and don't listen? Do I even listen? Does everyone suck? Do I SUCK? What's the point of it all anyway? Why don't I just move to a deserted island where I never have to communicate with anyone ever again?? With no communication, there can be no MIScommunication, right? All of these thoughts and more continually swirl and swirl in this labyrinth of a brain (I had a lot of time to think this week while not speaking to my sister most of the time).
After a while, I recollect myself mentally. And then I realize I try because I believe that some things are worth fighting for. Even when all hope seems completely lost. Even when everything seems to be going wrong. There is always STILL hope. They say somethings just can't be saved, and we should give up and cut off the tumor before it spreads. I get that too. I do know that sometimes people, things, and situations can be toxic to us. We need to make that decision for ourselves. It may even seem at times that you are the ONLY one fighting, and everyone else has completely given up. That just may be true as well. But there is a quote I love to remember, "You can't control other people, you can only control your reactions". We have to decide for ourselves how WE are going to move forward in the eye of the storm. Are we going to stay and fight to make life better for ourselves and others, or are we going to give up because it's too difficult? Fight for what you believe in. Fight for the things you love. Life is a battlefield. You WILL have scars and bruises, but we are working towards building a better world, even if it's the smallest step at a time.
P.s. Nobody has ever really fought for me now that I think about it, but I digress...
P.p.s. Everything is TRULY easier said than done. I STILL haven't spoken to my other sister since our last fight. Only time will tell. Perhaps I'll write everyone a letter. Some battles go on for a long time.
P.p.p.s. Seriously my theme song right now (and for eternity)...