As some of you may know, my dear grandmother passed away last week. It wasn't really a huge surprise. We all sort of knew she didn't have much time left. I'm glad I got to see her when I did back in August. Before that, I hadn't seen her since my mom's funeral...and before THAT, I hadn't seen her in a couple of years because I was living in New York. I spent a lot of time with my grandma growing up. She actually lived with me and my family one summer. She loved to watch Judge Mathis everyday (she had a huge crush). I also remember drinking all of her protein drinks (Ensure) because she thought they were gross. I thought they tasted awesome! I still drink them from time to time. A lot of my cousins, sisters, aunts and uncles were very emotional during her memorial service yesterday (It was in Alabama, and I couldn't make it out there, but it was live streamed! I felt so in the future). It seems as though I have a very emotional family. Me on the other hand? I'm actually not sad, or very emotional at all. More so reflective. Upon further analyzation, I realize (and always have realized to be honest) that I view death a LOT differently than most people. I've been wanting to share my views on this particular subject for quite some time, but I've always had this weird theory that the things I talk about would manifest. Welp! I can get over that for a bit, so I'll give talking about it a whirl. But please universe don't take this as me speaking it into existence!
Death is an inevitable part of life. We all know that, but somehow the timing can catch us off guard. Also, people can be very afraid and resistant to change. Losing someone who is a part of your everyday life can really abruptly shake things up in your daily routine. In addition to that, there is the fear of the unknown. There is much speculation about what happens to us after our soul leaves our bodies. Death is viewed in recent society as the ultimate form of loss. But when I think about it, it's selfish to think of someone passing as OUR loss. What if the person was suffering? We like to keep people around (even if we see them as rarely as once every few years) just in case we may need or want their company or presence. There are some friendships I had when I was younger, even as recent as high school and college, that I looked at as very important to me. Now, I'm quite certain that all of these people who I knew back then are still alive and hopefully well, but when was the last time I even attempted to communicate with any of them? Years! The thing is, we don't really appreciate many of the things we have until they are gone, or there is a threat of loss. That's when we think of how we will never get the CHANCE to see them again (some of the time, not that we even will. We just have comfort in knowing they are around). I've had a few clothing items for many years. Do I wear them these days? Heck no! I usually wear a rotation of the same 3 (black) outfits. But if I were to ever misplace, lose, or be faced with the decision of throwing my unworn vintage items away, I would get sad, nostalgic, and possibly upset... perhaps irrationally so, seeing as though the item hasn't been in use. As humans, we cannot help the emotions we feel, we just feel them. But a weirdo like me, I dig deeper into the meaning behind it all.
It is hard to be caught up in an emotional state when over analyzing. Welcome to my world. I think about if there really is that magical place on the other side of this reality known simply as heaven. Or it's frighteningly evil counterpart, hell. There was one point where I very much entertained the ideas of reincarnation. I read something very interesting on Facebook the other day; "What if when we die, the light at the end of the tunnel is the light to another hospital room. There, we are born, and the only reason you come out crying is because you remember everything from your past life. You're crying at the fact that you lost everything and have to start all over. As you grow, you start to forget your past life and focus on your new one, but patches of memory stay behind and cause déjà vu. The stuff we come up with! Point is, there is no universal truth as to what really happens. And that scares the crap outta people. If we REALLY believed in heaven and all of the awesome stuff it promises, I'd be super freakin jealous of the ("good") people that died. That place sounds awesome! It'd be like if someone you knew won the lottery and you never got the chance to see them again because they moved on up... and far far away....avoiding people for the rest of their days on some island off the coast of Tahiti. The difference is though, the permanence of death. Once they're gone, that's it for good. Until of course, the time comes when that's it for us.
I've realized now, that with eveything going on in the world, death has become quite taboo. Nobody really likes to talk about death itself, rather the circumstances that cause it. Perhaps it's also hard to think about our own mortality (selfish again), so we don't talk about it in general, and try to ignore it completely until it's right there in our face. My mom passing away was the first time death actually consumed my thoughts. I wondered if it hurt. I wondered if she knew she was going. I wonder if she thought about her kids. Maybe she didn't think about anything. I tried to remember what she looked like and the sound of her voice. I tried to grasp on to memories that I felt were slipping away almost immediately. I thought it was a weird joke at first, but then I realized it wasn't April fools day. After the disbelief phase, I quickly transitioned into "what the heck am I supposed to do". I then began to think, is she watching everything I do now? Can she hear my thoughts?
I obviously have quite a lot to say about this subject. I actually find it quite interesting. Alas, hardly anyone I know is as creepy as me, so I never really get to discuss these things. I was even on the fence about posting on this topic at all. Knowing that death is somewhere in all of our futures, and the futures of our loved ones, we can make the most of the lives that we have now; loving each other, contributing to the betterment of society, helping one another, and leaving behind something inspiring for the future. Life is freakin crazy itself, ya know? Death is probably a breeze. Maybe we just literally sleep 24/7. While I am living my life though, I will do it the best way I know how, be as happy as I can, and maybe encourage a bunch of other folks to do the same. Today is also Martin Luther King Jr. Day! A great man who's life was unfortunately cut short. In the time he was alive though, he made such an impact. I am aware there is also a fear of dying and being forgotten, or a fear of not having accomplished anything. We should all live as though we might have a day in our honor. Make your mark on the world in a positive way. Your memory will be able to live on forever.
P.s. I really believe that I will be around for quite a while (I had a vision of myself with lots of wrinkles and grey hair), but I do hope I go in a very pain free way. Death doesn't really scare me, it's pain. I'm a wimp.
P.p.s. It is a huge pet peeve when people write "sorry for your LOST". You know who you are!
P.p.p.s. Grandmas are responsible for creating soooooo many people! She had 7 kids, 12 grandkids, and 7 great grand (almost 8, and probably more in the future). That's a whole fleet! Wherever my mom and grandma are, I hope they are together (and hopefully not watching EVERYthing I do...)