The world is such a crazy place. I'm quite certain it has always been. As children, we don't realize this so much...ignorance is truly bliss. It's as though I'm always torn between writing something whimsically uplifting, or about something tragic that's going on in society; torn between wanting to help make the world a better place, and simply enjoying all the good the world has to offer. This past week, I have been in somewhat of a 'quarter-life crisis' if you will. On top of that, temperatures in NYC are very easily comparable to what I think the driest desert in hell might feel like. Overall, just another very blah week. I was supposed to film something recently as well, I just haven't really been in the mood. And I'm not sure specifically what it is! Let's figure it out together, shall we?
As most of you are aware, I try to exude optimism and positivity in just about every situation I encounter. This is how I have chosen to look at the world and live my life. To each his own. I believe that at times, this attitude I have towards life is necessary in order for me to carry on. For the most part, it all works out for me, and I really do live a generally happy lifestyle. But as the old saying goes (actually, not sure if this is a saying or not, but I'm saying it now so there ya go), 'The smallest wrench in the wheel of Lance Armstong's bike would send him tumbling down the smoothest slope'. Eh, I should probably work on my quotes a little more, but what I'm basically trying to say is that if I'm not careful, one simple thing could throw my entire happiness routine off balance. For me, that wrench was a simple conversation.
This particular conversation began innocently enough, but somewhere in the midst of this harmless discussion, I was called out for being perceivably "moochy" (for lack of a better word). This is one term I was not expecting to hear at all. I've never looked at myself as a mooch! To the contrary, I see myself as a very independent individual. Of course, every once in a while I'll have hard times. Not having a steady income will do that to you! I've also had plenty of hard times when I WAS working, though. There were a few other things mentioned in the conversation as well about me not having enough money to do things at times. Then the dreaded phrase that I detest came up... "If you just got a job...Yadda yadda yadda". My entire life theory was put into question with this mere word. Moochy.
Not sure why this word struck such a chord with me, but after that, I really went into a spiral. It is true that I don't make enough money to support myself entirely. I DO have to rely on the courtesy and generosity of others for the most part. What am I even DOING with my life? How long can a person live like this? Do I really think I can make a sustainable living off of writing and being a free-floating, traveling hippie woman? Am I giving false hope to everyone who reads this thing? You can't just not have a job and still live a happy go lucky life, can you? Am I selling a very misleading dream? Is this really my purpose in life? Because it doesn't seem too successful right now. All of this and more going on in this confused ole brain of mine. All week long!
It's truly hard believing in such seemingly far-fetched dreams and goals for yourself, especially when no one else can see your vision. I usually do a very good job of self-convincing. However, having all of your beliefs shaken up is really an eye opener into whether or not you truly want everything to come to fulfillment...wheter or not you truly BELIEVE in yourself enough to make it all happen. At this point, I may not be able to afford a lot of the things that a typical person may need or want in life, but I don't really care. If these things come to me in some sort of way, shape, or form, yes, I will be exceedingly accepting, but if it doesn't, I can certainly wait it out. I have just always had a way of attracting things, not necessarily money. Whenever I do get a couple dollars under my hat, I hope that I too can help out as many people as I possibly can. We need to stop looking at wealth as so individualized and look at it as a flow. Need a penny , take a penny, have a penny, leave a penny mentality, ya know? There's more than enough of every single thing in this world for everyone to have MORE than enough of anything they should ever need OR want.
All in all, out of this temporary slump, I had an idea for something. I am still in the process of developing this certain something, so I will hold off for a bit before revealing. Hopefully, something fruitful will come of it! I don't know guys and gals... I don't have all the answers. The man that knows something knows that he knows nothing at all. I know that I will have more times like this as well, but overcoming these disorienting obstacles makes us even stronger in our convictions. Through it all, I will survive. My story will be told to generations after, so I HAVE to survive. Giving yourself a pep talk really does help. Do it often enough, and it'll be like a totally separate person pep talking you! Don't get discouraged, and keep doing exactly what it is you feel in your heart that is meant for you to do. Another thing that really helps me out of the dumps is ice cream. Lots and lots of ice cream. (Even though I think I probably should avoid dairy... I don't wanna!)
p.s. Ya know what? I think next week for the first time ever, I'm gonna try my hand at writing a FICTION blog. Yup! This is something I've actually wanted to do for quite some time. The real world just gets too intense sometimes. It's good to take a mental vacation (that's why people love TV and movies). What do you think?
p.p.s. No, seriously, I've probably posted this video before but this is me right now...
P.p.p.s I do realize that by identifying this as a quarter-life crisis, I'm anticipating to be well over 100 years old someday.... Be prepared for Bretony as an old lady folks! I just might be one of those crazy ladies with 1,000 cats telling everyone about my "book coming out soon" (It really is coming out soon though).